Behind the Façade of Emily Prentiss
by hotch.and.prentiss
Summary: She's hiding something. Under that cool, kept together façade, there's a whole other world inside that woman's mind. Will she fade away before she can be saved? *eating disorders* *Trigger warning*
1. The Incident

SSA Emily Prentiss' alarm blares at 5 in the morning. She wishes it wouldn't have gone off. Prentiss just got to sleep an hour ago. But it's time to start a new day.

On her way to the washroom, she stares back at her own reflection in the bedroom mirror. Have I gotten bigger today? No it can't be. She rushes to the washroom and savagely pulls out all three of her scales from the closet.

120.6 pounds, 121.0 pounds, 119.8 pounds.

Her mind tells me to trust the second scale. Always trust the highest number. The lower numbers are just lies. According to the scale, she's gained a pound since 3 hours ago when she last weighed herself at 2 am. This can't be happening. But isn't 120 pounds below healthy for her height, she thinks to herself? But the voice inside her head asks her why she still feels like an ugly pig?

If this is going to be a good day at work, she's going to need to burn off that pound. Emily furiously gets dressed into running gear and by 5:30 she's already running laps around the park.

It's 6:30 and Prentiss is still going strong. She even set a personal best for myself. She needs to keep up this pace.

If 3500 calories equals 1 pound, and I've burned 650 in the past hour, I have to keep running for approximately 5 hours and 23 minutes to get rid of the disgusting pound of fat that has coated my body in the past 3 hours, she thinks.

By 8:30, her body is yelling at her to get the hell inside and relax, but Emily's mind tells her to suck it up, so she continues.

At 9am the pain in her chest is almost unbearable. I can't do this. Maybe if I rest on the street bench for a minute, I can go for longer.

Her body directs her to the nearest bench, and she immediately finds it hard to keep her eyes open.

If I can reach the bench, I'll be okay, she tells herself. But as she nears the bench, she can feel herself drifting out of consciousness….

She's awaken by a familiar face, but her vision is so blurred she can't distinguish who it is. As she tries to get up immediately, realizing how vulnerable she is, a voice she recognizes so well tells her not to protest. It can't be happening. It's … Hotch?

"Emily, don't even try it. Are you okay? What happened?" he asks.

Her mind is racing. This is not happening. It can't be happening. As she dismisses his request to stand, she sits up, and sees that he's in his running gear. He must have been out for a run himself. Not good.

"Prentiss, can you hear me?"

"Um, thank you Hotch", she says as she forces herself up as graciously as possible. "I'm absolutely fine." And with that she got up and practically sprinted to her apartment before he can turn around and offer me some water. She sees him turn, and as he opens his mouth to speak, she says "I'll see you at work, Hotch" and she quickly walks away.

**HOTCH POV**

It's so wonderful to take a morning run before work, especially when you don't have to be at work until noon. He sees so many familiar people whenever he goes on a run, and Prentiss is usually one of them. She works out very much, and her determination is definitely admirable.

He sees Emily in the distance and just as they are going to cross paths, Hotch sees her fall to the ground.

Is she injured? He rushes to her side and puts one arm underneath her head as he uses the other to check for a pulse.

Something is definitely not right. What's going on? As he feels her pulse, it's beating at least 180 beats per minute. Not good, he thought.

It's not the first time Prentiss and I have bumped into each other during our runs, but it's the first time I've seen her faint. She's so pale. Well, paler than usual.

When he braces his back to lift her up, Hotch realizes how fragile and light she is. It's almost too easy to lift her up and onto the bench. Her protruding collarbones looked razor sharp, and her cheeks were sunken in.

As he calls her name her eyes flutter and when they finally open, she looks petrified. Why was she afraid of him? He asks her what's wrong, and the frantic expression on her face dulls into her normal cool and kept together façade.

Something's up, but she tells me she is fine.

As I reach for my water bottle, I hear footsteps on the concrete. Emily has gotten up and left. Before I can protest for her to come back, she says "See you at work", and I know this conversation is over.

This is not the Prentiss I thought I knew, and I think it's time I had a talk with her. But it'll have to wait.

**Hey everyone. So this is my second fanfic, but the first one that will ever be over 5k words. I was inspired to write this because many, including myself, are going through some problems right now. And what better way to portray my feelings than through writing? :) So I just started this today, and there will be more chapters, don't worry! Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter!**


	2. Cognitive dissonance

**PRENTISS POV**

What the hell just happened? This is the stupidest thing you could have ever done, Emily. Why are you such a failure? You're a coward, and you bring misery to everyone that gets close to you. While you were unconscious he probably saw how fat you were. He probably couldn't even lift you onto the bench. Look what you did, you piece of lard. You've been successful at one thing: making everyone hate you and showing the world how fat you really are.

Now you have to go to work and face Hotch. You've messed everything up for yourself. Tonight, you'll have to run approximately 2 hours and 53 minutes to make up for what you missed this morning. You're weak. Now get ready for work, ugly. The voices battle inside my head and I want it all to go away; the pain, the conflict, the calorie counting, the purging. But I know that this is my life now, it's been my life for the past 3 years. Oh, stop pitying yourself, Emily. Suck it up, Prentiss. Soon you'll be at work putting on the mask you're so used to. Don't fail this too.

All of these thoughts race through Emily Prentiss' mind as she stared back at her , she continues to get dressed. She realizes her shirt is looser on her today as it shrugs off of her shoulders. But it probably just got stretched in the wash, she decides. Theres no way she could look like "this" and have lost weight. When she's finally ready, she clumsily gets out of her apartment and into her car, still shaken up from this morning.

When she pulls into work, she can see Reid and Garcia behind her. Hoping they won't notice her, she pretends she didn't see them as she heads towards the doors of FBI headquarters. But to her demise, she hears Garcia's perky voice calling her from a distance, beckoning her to wait up.

Emily slowly turns around, and plasters a fake smile on her face, despite what she feels inside. Prentiss waits for both of them to catch up with her and she lets them talk about how their weeks are going, while she silently conjures up excuses to give to her boss for what happened today if he asks.

Walking to her desk, Prentiss sees Hotch standing by his office, eyeing her as she walks in. She makes sure to stay composed. Back straight, big smile, and strong, confident strides. Maybe if he sees I'm fine now, he won't pester me about this morning, she thinks.

He'll see me socializing and smiling with everyone, aand think everything is alright. That's how its supposed to work, anyways. He can't be suspicious. He just can't be…

**HOTCH POV**

As I stand outside my office talking to Rossi about a case, I see Emily walking in and laughing a bit too loudly with Garcia and Reid. She looks fine but... distant somehow. Still as pale as this morning, with the same sunken cheeks, but she looks happy. She says her "hellos" and "good mornings" with a cheery voice and many were clearly astounded at her up-beat behaviour this morning. I wonder why that is.

And then I realize that it's all a show. A show she played for me.

Agent Aaron Hotchner knows Emily better than almost anyone in the bureau, and knows when she's faking it. She might not know it, but she can't hide it from him. The fact that she's trying to put on a show just proves that something is terribly wrong.

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**Hope you guys liked this chapter. Yes, it is short, but I will be updating a lot and often! The next few chapters will be broken up shorter so that the storyline flows better. So if you like what you're reading, I wouldn't mind you lovely readers leaving some reviews for me ;) Tell me where I went wrong or if you like it! I'm open to constructive criticism :)**

**Well I hope all of you wonderful people have a lovely day!**


	3. Maybe everything is alright

**HOTCH POV**

The next two weeks go by quietly and painfully slow. But Prentiss hasn't had any problems since the running incident, and her diligence has showed through her work. She's been a vital member of the team in catching two killers over the past two weeks, so it appears as though she's doing well. Maybe there is no reason to worry after all…

* * *

**Just a filler chapter for what is to come! Remember to leave your reviews and criticism for me if you find the time :)**


	4. Morgan's donut

**PRENTISS POV**

Another day full of reports and paperwork is dragging by slow beyond compare. It's been a few weeks since the "incident" with her supervisor, and she's glad that he hasn't mentioned it. She hopes he's forgotten.

The hunger pangs are becoming unbearable, but she has to keep it together, she tells herself. Looking up, she sees Morgan with a donut in his hand, and can't stop eyeing it. She finds herself drooling, but realizes that "he" is watching. Quickly composing herself, she puts her head down and dives into her work once more.

Why can Derek eat them and stay as lean and muscular as he is. I'm stuck looking like THIS eating under 500 calories a day. Jealous thoughts fill her mind and she then begins to wonder about the donut. How many calories do you suppose are in there? How about grams of sugar? Well how about the saturated and regular fat? She estimates and realizes that the numbers must be over the roof. I want it so bad but I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't! These voices inside her mind overwhelm her as she tries to focus on the task at hand.

After a minute or so, she can't bear it anymore. The box of donuts is in the break room. Maybe if I would just- no don't do it! But maybe one wouldn't be that bad if– what are you thinking, Emily?! Well maybe if I have just one I can run an extra 45 minutes tonight to burn it off. She makes her decision. She slams her paperwork shut and quickly heads towards the break room. What she didn't know was that "he" was following her.

**HOTCH POV**

Making my daily rounds, I check up on how my team is doing. They've all been working so hard the past while, especially Prentiss. What is she up to anyways? As I look over to her desk, I see her working diligently, but over the course of a few minutes, something changes. When she looks up, she seems deeply entranced by something. I follow her eyes and see that she's looking at the jelly donut in Morgan's hand. Her eyes move wherever the donut moves. Interesting…

Now I know for a fact that something is weird. I've never seen that look in her eyes. It's the look of a predator eyeing its prey. Intense, fierce, and filled with a lust for food.

She looks up in my direction, and suddenly the savage look in her eye is replaced by suspicion as she stares me dead on. She quickly looks back at her case files.

A minute later when I look back, she appears as though she's contemplating something as she bites her lip. Then I see her close the case file she has been working on. She gets up and it appears as though she's walking towards the break room. This is the first time I've seen Prentiss take a break in over a year, and somehow I find it peculiar. A voice inside my head tells me I should follow her, and so I do, making sure to keep my distance, not completely sure of what is to come.

* * *

**So some of you may know what's coming next, and clearly Hotch is officially spooked by the way Prentiss is acting. She's never been so reckless before with her emotions and her recklessness is a result of the disease taking over her sanity. It's a very complex thing, having a constant battle inside your head. That's what this story is trying to depict. Hope I'm doing an okay job with it! Whether or not you like it, please don't hesitate to leave a review :)**


	5. It's not that bad

**PRENTISS POV**

How will it taste? Will it be worth it? It's been 2 days since I last ate, and I'm reaching my boiling point. I can't do it. The whole box is full of donuts.

Emily quickly counts them, and there are 15.

All of these donuts would take at least 5 hours to run off. Should I?

I find myself grabbing for the first donut and it shakes in my hand. I slowly bring it up to my mouth and it's gone before I can taste it. Soon I can't stop, and I've already stuffed 6 donuts down my throat, but she still continues to eat, and eat, and eat.

What are you doing, Emily!? says one voice in her head. You're losing control, you failure!

HBut Emily soon realizes she has no say in this. Her body wants more and she can't stop until she's done.

Another 9 donuts later and she still wants more. I NEED MORE, her body begs her. Looking around for anything, she finds 2 chocolate bars. I'm full, but I need them in me, she tells herself as she shoves them down her esophagus barely tasting them.

Once they're gone, she feels like she's going to be sick.

I can't take this feeling! What did I just do? I need to get rid of this, this … disgusting feeling. The sink in the break room's washroom should do the trick. She walks in and luckily no one is in the washroom. Perfect.

**HOTCH POV**

When I stand at the door of the break room, I can see Emily through the crack of the door. What is she doing? She walks towards the box of donuts. She's probably just hungry. Hotch is almost relieved to see that she's eating something, until what he sees next scares him beyond compare.

She starts stuffing the donuts, 2 by 2, down her throat at the speed of light. In under 1 minute, all 15 of the donuts have disappeared. It scares him what she has just done. She walks towards the washroom immediately and she checks to see if anyone is in there. A look of relief spreads across her face as she walks in to the washroom. I now think I know what's coming next, and I really hope I'm wrong.

She's not going to do what I think she's going to do. Is she? I decide that this is when I have to act and I go and stand by the washroom door. First I hear the sink run and I can hear Emily talking to herself.

"Look what you've done, Emily," she tells her reflection. "Shit, I think I'm going to be sick."

Hotch can hear her the subtle sobs that are escaping her mouth, and all he wants to do is go in and stop her from what he thinks she's about to do. He can't, though. Something stops him dead in his tracks.

She doesn't know I'm right there, he tells himself. She cant find out.

When I hear the sink turn on I can feel my heart race. When an unmistakable sound of gagging joins the running water, I can't stand it anymore. I leave the break room and go straight to my office. I can hear Rossi's voice but I ignore him, not able to get the memory of what just happened out of my head.

She needs help. She'll probably deny anything I accuse her of, and that won't get us anywhere. She knows I won't have proof as the cameras in that room are down at the moment. I have no proof. Prentiss needs to ask for help before she can receive it.

**PRENTISS POV**

Why must she mess up everything? She hates making herself throw up, but it was necessary punishment. Prentiss acted irrationally and had to pay the consequences.

Finally, feeling more centered, she slowly walks back to her desk. Everyone is working intently on paperwork and no one really notices her. That's a good thing.

Now she can get back to her work, and focus. Or so she thought…

Almost as if on cue, Hotch walks casually towards her desk, and asks her how she's doing.

"I'm fine. Sorry about a few weeks ago. I never really apologized or thanked you for helping me. I was embarrassed and I had been coming down with something. I was afraid of throwing up on you actually." she starts with a forced laugh. "I hurled as soon as I got to my apartment and I think I still have some of the bug. Feeling pretty run down lately, but it's nothing to worry about", she says with a charming coolness to her voice.

There's never anything to worry about with you, is there Emily? Hotch silently asks. Always putting up those stone cold walls of yours, there should never be a problem.

How can she even be apologizing, Hotch thought. Prentiss is the one who fainted and was apparently sick. She shouldn't have to apologize about that! But she doesn't know that I know about what happened today. But she said she was still sick, so maybe that's all it was. It could have been her stomach bug that made her throw up in the washroom. He refuses to believe that Emily would do something so terrible to herself and tries to shove that thought to the back of his mind.

"That's unfortunate. And you still came to work today? Maybe you should head home for the day. After all, it's just paper work. We're planning on heading out to Chicago tomorrow to help the Police with a serial killer. You should rest up today. We'll need you tomorrow."

Does he actually care, or is he suspicious of something? She couldn't decide, but immediately replied "No, please! I mean, no I'm better now. I haven't been feeling my best but I think I'll be okay. Plus, I've got a crapload of paperwork left, and I'd like to get it done." She then plasters on her most genuine smile, and is relieved when the sides of Hotch's lips crook upwards into a smile.

"Alright, well it's your call. If you decide to go, just swing by my office before you leave."

"Thanks Hotch, I will."

And with that, the conversation was over.

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**Longest chapter yet! How do you guys/gals feel about how Hotch reacted to what Emily did?! Why is he in denial? Maybe his protective feelings or friendship with her have him in denial, you never know ;) Reviews welcomed! :)**


	6. Really?

When she gets back to her apartment, Prentiss can barely stand. Not sure of what to make of the series of events today, she decides to go for her jog.

When she arrives back at her apartment, it's 3 and a half hours and 1960 calories later. She collapses on her bed, almost satisfied with her workout. She then makes a pact to herself. If she ever exceeds her calorie limit ever again, she must purge and run double time. She WILL reach her goal, even if it kills her. She WILL be perfect.

* * *

Hotch arrives at his home after work, and decides to try and relax. He needs to think about what he will make of Emily's situation, but he can't come to a decision. He knows that she was sick, and if it really was a bug while she was hungry, than it should only be a one time thing what happened today. If it's not, then he'll have to act in some way.

He knows what he must do. He needs to confront her. And soon.

* * *

**Emily is definitely my favorite character to write about. I can't get enough of her, and I just think there is so much to her character that words can't even begin to explain! I really enjoy writing this story and hope all of my readers do too :o Reviews welcomed :) **


	7. I'm fine

It's Monday and back to the weekly routine of catching bad guys as the members of the BAU profiling team all gather into the bullpen to be debriefed on their latest case. All but one member are present, and Hotch notices Emily's usual seat is empty. Just as he is contemplating calling her, a female voice is heard. That of Emily's.

"Sorry, everyone" she says.

As he turned towards her, he saw that she looked like absolute hell. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes wide and crazy-looking, and her skin had a yellow pigment to it.

"Well look who it is. Morning, princess", started Morgan. But when he turned around to look at her, he was shocked. "What the hell happened princess? You okay?" He looked concerned.

"Who? Me? Oh yeah, I'm great. I'm just sorry I arrived so late," she tells her team. It won't happen again, sir," she says as she turns to Hotch.

"Take a seat Prentiss. It's fine." She has never once in all her years at the BAU been late. She was always the earliest, besides Hotch himself. He had an idea of what she was doing this morning, but did his best to deny it.

As the team was being briefed by J'J's replacement media liaison, Rick Dawson, Hotch kept a close eye on Prentiss. She was very active in putting her theories out there and everything appeared fine. But that's how it always is with her.

Always "fine", "great", "awesome". She is the only member of the team that has ALWAYS kept her composure, and that alarms him. He has to focus on this case, though. Young women are being brutally killed and sexually assaulted in Chicago and it's their job to find the sicko responsible.

* * *

The plane ride there is a quiet one. Prentiss hasn't made eye contact with anyone on the team on the way there. She was too deeply entranced in her case file to look up, but she did make a few valid points on the way there. Maybe she's just quiet today, Hotch thinks.

The first 24 hours on this case, and they're already close to catching the killer. The team has narrowed it down to only 3 suspects and they're expecting to make an arrest soon, but everyone needs some rest for the night. The team needs to be sharp tomorrow if they're going to catch the killer.

Prentiss is almost relieved when she arrives at the hotel. Cases involving sexual sadists are never fun, and are beyond exhausting.

Hotch walks to the front desk and asks for the teams rooms. The lady at the front desk tells him that there's been a mix up. There are only 3 rooms vacant in the hotel at the moment. At first, Hotch is frustrated. But moments later, he realizes this is a perfect opportunity.

"That's fine ma'am. And if I remember correctly, you said all three of the rooms have two separate beds?"

"That's correct, Mr.- I mean Agent Hotchner. Will that do for your team?"

"That should do. Let me check with them for one moment."

Hotch approaches the team sitting in the lobby and he tells them the current situation they're in. No one is clearly bothered except for Emily, who shifts uncomfortably in her seat when she hears the news.

"Alright Hotch, so who's rooming with who?" asks Reid.

"Well it's just me, Rossi, Morgan, Reid, Dawson and Prentiss. So Morgan will room with Dawson, Rossi with Reid, and myself with Prentiss. Is that alright with everyone?"

Everyone nods his or her heads in agreement, and Hotch avoids looking at Emily. If she looks in his eyes, she will immediately tell that he set this up so he'd have to room with her. Hotch nods curtly to the team and returns to the front desk. He confirms the reservations and the team members are given keys to each of their rooms.

Damn it, Emily silently cursed. Son of a gun.

* * *

**Ooohhh Hotch is sneaky. Subtle, but sneaky. Emily clearly doesn't want this, but it's happening nonetheless. Comments/reviews please! **


	8. There will be more nights

**HOTCH POV**

He waits for Emily to get cleaned up in the washroom and ready for bed, listening intently to hear even the slightest gagging noise. He hears nothing out of the ordinary, and he's relieved at that.

**EMILY POV**

Why is he doing this to me? I know he set this all up so I'd end up rooming with him. He doesn't have to try and explain himself to me. But I won't let him win. I can sense him outside the bathroom door. Well he's not going to find what he's looking for. I already got rid of everything at the station. Everything will be fine, Emily. Just play it cool like you always have.

As I left the washroom, I felt Hotch's eyes on me. Suddenly, he was distracted by something else and got off the bed. Seeing him turn around, I realized that this was my chance. I whipped off my sweater as casually as possible. He can't see how fat I've gotten, I can't let him. I'm a disgrace.

I have to go and put my sweater back in my go bag. When I turn around, I hear Hotch's subtle gasp. I turn around to see his eyes examining my whole body. He's disgusted, Emily! Look what you've done. Don't humiliate yourself any more than you already have, I tell myself as I make a beeline for my bed. I cover up as much of my body as possible, wanting to let the tears fall, but fighting the urge.

**HOTCH POV**

The bathroom door clicked and I immediately look up at where Emily was. She wore a loose fitting sweater and pyjama pants that were jut a bit too big for her. She looked very small, smaller than yesterday, even. Emily was dressed in very loose fitting pyjamas. As I got up to go to the washroom myself, I saw Emily out of the corner of my eye, and turned around to see her taking off her sweater.

All she was left in was a tank top.

My god, she looked emaciated. How could he not notice before? Her arms had gotten so tiny. Her face, so sunken. Her torso shrunken. As she turned around and leaned over her go bag, I could see her spine clearly from 5 feet away. Where was the curvaceous, beautiful woman I once knew? Did she lose this weight while she was sick?

If not, then how could he not have noticed this before?

And then he realized it. He's never seen Prentiss wear anything that showed her arms or legs. Always blazers, and layers upon layers. That's why the weight loss wasn't as noticeable. She'd never revealed this much of her body to anyone, to make sure no one would notice what was wrong with her. That's why no one probably noticed her losing weight by the minute. Hotch was petrified. She looked like the walking dead.

She notices me staring and in the blink of an eye, she was under the covers, not allowing any parts of her body except her head to emerge.

Hotch realizes that he'd been staring a bit too intently, and quickly focuses his eyes on something else, trying to avoid further awkwardness.

The next few minutes fly by silently, without any conversation between the two raven-haired agents. Hotch decides he needs to break the ice.

"So Prentiss, which of the suspects do you most likely think committed all of these murders?" he asks.

Prentiss thinks before she speaks for a good 20 seconds, and finally speaks. "No idea, to be honest. They're all scumbags. But if I had to point my finger at one of them, I'd definitely say David Clarke. Something about him rubs me the wrong way, and his records definitely don't support him. He is an egocentric sociopath, yet, he is intimidated by women. He probably uses these crimes to have some dominance over women. The fact that he is beating them manually and then strangling them can display anger and wanting revenge. I'm guessing neglected or abused by his mother as a child. I can tell from a mile away that David Clarke hates his mother."

Hotch is astounded at how much insight Prentiss was providing. She didn't speak more than twice today, but she certainly had many important points that could have been useful.

"Now that you mention it, it does truly make sense what you're saying. His personality is easily separable from the rest and he seems like one of the only suspects capable of committing the crimes with a motive. That's very good, Prentiss. But why didn't you mention any of this earlier?" he asks.

She takes a moment to come up with an answer, and replies, honestly, "I really haven't been feeling at the top of my game, and today I wasn't focused. But now that I'm relaxed, everything has become much clearer."

Hotch turns towards her and looks into her eyes, pleading her, "please let me in." Why won't she just give up and put away the mask she has on? Doesn't Prentiss know she can trust him?

Prentiss, who suddenly found herself speechless from the look Hotch was giving her, just sighed. She knew what his eyes were asking of her and she was not in the mood for anyone's games. Her eyes pleaded in return, "don't go there" With that and a forced weak smile, she turned off her lamp and pulled the covers over her. Their conversation was just brought to an abrupt halt.

Hotch on the other hand, would not turn off his light. For the next hour he is staring at the ceiling, engulfed in his thoughts. There will be other nights, and hopefully I can get her to open up, he decides. It's midnight when he turns off his lamp, and he drifts away into the abyss.

* * *

**That was a close one. I wonder what Emily is feeling right now. Hotch is so confused about why Prentiss won't come out with it and say she has a problem. Why doesn't she trust him? Well what he doesn't realize is that Prentiss doesn't KNOW how to trust people. But maybe something will change that. Reviews and comments welcomed **


	9. Won't let you see me fall

After a rough night of sleeping, Hotch's alarm goes off. He quickly makes an effort to snooze it in order to not wake Emily. As he presses the snooze button, he turns to where he should have seen Emily in her bed, but she is nowhere to be found. He checks the washroom, and no one is there. He checks the lobby, but she isn't there either.

When he finally decides to call her cell, he finds it at her bedside. Not good. Since when does Prentiss leave without her cell phone with her? Why is she suddenly so reckless? Hotch doesn't know what to think and he has no idea where she could be. He sits on the bed and lies down, trying to think of where she could be.

Just as Hotch was considering organizing a search party and waking the others, Emily comes collapsing through the door, sweaty and in her running gear. She goes straight for the washroom, not even acknowledging Hotch's existence in the process.

She walked like a drunk woman on drugs, not even able to reach the bathroom door without losing her step.

Twenty minutes later, she emerges from the washroom dressed and ready in her work clothes, showered with make up and hair both done. The exhaustion from before is wiped off of her face and replaced with a placid expression. Finally realizing that Hotch is awake as she looks in his direction, she says, "Oh, Good morning Hotch! Why are you up so early? It's 5 am and we don't have to be at the station for a good two hours".

Hotch stands there dumbfounded. What is happening? "I guess you can call me an early riser, but not nearly as early as you. What time did you wake up?" he asks inquisitively.

Emily looks at her watch and replies, "Well I've been out for 2 hours, so around 2:30 or so."

What?! She's been running for two hours, while on a case? Definitely not right. This is not Prentiss.

"You've been running for two hours? Have you had breakfast already as well?" He asks, searching for the smallest indicator of a lie.

Her eyes bulge out for a second, and she replies all too quickly "Breakfast? What about breakfast? Oh, yeah. Bought a huuuuge breakfast down the road at a diner as I was cooling down from my run." She tries to sound calm, but she silently curses herself when she hears her voice falter. Why has she suddenly become so bad at lying all of a sudden?

Please believe me, please believe me, her mind is pleading. But on the outside, she just remains serene and confident, as always.

He looks for a sign, and her voice alone is enough to tell him that no, she has not had breakfast.

"Really? Was it good?"She will not get her way out of this conversation. Not this time.

"Absolutely delicious! Best breakfast diner I've ever visited, actually." she replies enthusiastically.

"Really? I think I'll have to try it today, then. What diner is it again?" he asks hoping that she will fess up.

Thinking quickly on her feet, Prentiss remembers the name of a diner she saw on the way back from her run.

"I'm pretty sure it's called Denny's. It's just half a block down. Definitely go try it. You won't regret it," she says. She's actually proud of herself for being up to conjure up that diner story so swiftly. But then she sees a gleam in his eyes, and she knows he isn't playing around anymore.

Suddenly his expression softens, and she is relieved that she got herself out of that rut. She watches Hotch quietly go and change into his work clothes, and then he tells her he is going to eat some breakfast at the diner. She says she'll catch up with him there and he agrees.

**HOTCH POV**

As Hotch turns to close the door, the last thing he sees is Emily smiling at him. He closes the door and begins to make his way down the corridor. He then remembers he should probably grab his credentials, just in case. Turning around to go back to the room, he hears loud sobs and yelling. It's Prentiss.

"One damned pound! That's all I'm asking for! I can't do anything right!"

Hotch just rests his head on the door until the sobs fade, and then stands up to go. He knows that Emily would hate for him to see her like this. It would tear her apart being vulnrable, and this is not the time for emotional drama. His heart breaks for her, but he feels helpless himself. This isn't a good time. They still need to catch a killer. It'll have to wait.

He sighs and walks towards the lobby. Why won't she open herself up to me, he asks himself. I've given her space and she still hasn't come forward. When she meets me at the diner, hopefully I can at least address that there is an issue that needs to be resolved when we return to Quantico. Maybe she'll finally eat something in front of me, too.

**PRENTISS POV**

As soon as he leaves, Emily can't hold it together any longer. The feelings of despair, hopelessness and anxiety fill her body with anguish as she cries. She's gained a pound since yesterday. "One DAMNED pound! That's all I'm asking for! I can't do anything right," she yells at her reflection. What she doesn't know, is that Hotch is right outside listening to her sobs and rants. She tries but fails many times to slow down her breathing. Each time it's getting harder and harder to control her emotions. She's at her breaking point. Get it together, she thinks. Hotch cant see you like this. As if putting on a new mask, she immediately changes back to the stoic Prentiss her team knows and loves. Compartmentalization is key, she tells herself as she gathers her things to meet Hotch.

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**This was a hard chapter to write, and the next ones will most likely be just a difficult to put into words, but I'll try. Tell me how I'm doing in the comments below!**


	10. You have no idea

**HOTCH POV**

As he walks down the streets of Chicago, he enjoys the fresh air and sunrise before him. When he sees a sign in the distance that says "Denny's Diner", he is almost astonished that the diner does, in fact, exist. He thought for sure that Emily was lying to him. He's relieved and is proud of Prentiss. Maybe she did eat. It's not until he approaches the diner close enough to read what's on the door that he sighs and puts his face into his hands.

"Monday thru Friday – open from 6am to 3pm"

It's Tuesday today. It is 5:45am right now. She probably didn't know that the diner was closed until 6 am. Prentiss lied to me, right to my face.

Something in his heart knew that this sort of thing would happen, but Prentiss is one of the most honest and loyal people he had ever met. Why is food so important to her that she'd lie through her teeth to her supervisor? Hotch knew that he knew the answer to that question. He had just been denying it for quite sometime, refusing to see his colleague in distress. He didn't want to believe any of the negative things. In other words, Hotch was in denial.

She'll be here any minute, he thought to himself as he found a bench across the street to sit on. He wants to see how she'll react.

Around 20 minutes later, a puffy-eyed Emily Prentiss walked towards the diner. She didn't notice the park bench with Hotch on it as she walked up to the door of the diner. What he saw next was definitely a first for him.

The Ambassador's daughter, the Yale graduate, the FBI special agent, and successful Emily Prentiss started cursing at the top of her lungs for a good minute not caring who heard her when she realized the diner was not open. She'd never acted so rashly in public, in all the years he knew her.

She suddenly looked overwhelmed with anxiety and she put her hand to her chest. She clenched her fists and sat at the bench right in front of Denny's. Catching her breath, I heard her say "What have I done?" as she burrowed her forehead into her arms.

It wasn't until 2 minutes later when she finally looked up. When Emily saw Hotch, instead of running away, she quietly got up, crossed the street, and sat right next to him.

They said nothing for a few minutes, until Emily said "I'm sorry you didn't eat breakfast. You must be hungry."

Anger boiled inside Agent Hotchner. How could she have the nerve to say that to him? Prentiss has put him through an emotional hell, and she apologizes for HIS lack of eating.

He didn't intend for his voice to sound so bitter when he said "You should be, too."

He looked up at Emily then. Her mouth was agape, and her eyes wide surprised by his tone. Her vocal cords couldn't muster the ability to reply, what was there to say? Prentiss wants to deny the hunger. Oh, she wants to so bad, but she doesn't. Something stops her. She just sighs. He has a right to be angry, she tells herself. She's been such a pain to look after, and she's ruined his life for the past 7 years.

At that moment, there are no longer any boundaries that hide her emotions. No more masks to hide the pain. No more fronts. Her walls are suddenly coming crashing down. The expression on her face is no longer placid and stoic, and her eyes are flooding with emotion.

She sees that anything she denies now is a disrespect towards Hotch; the most selfless, genuine man she's ever met. Hotch deserves the truth, he deserves to know what she's thinking, for once. She looks him straight in the eye, and is brutally honest with him for the first time in a long time.

All that comes out of Emily's mouth is "You have no idea."

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**So much angst, its hard to write! Reviews and comments, please?**


	11. I'm back!

Hye everyone! I hope my readers are enjoying this story. Sorry I haven't been around for a while, with so many things going on such as root canals, family events, fundraising events and such, but I'm back! I hope to write another chapter for this story very soon, but I'd like some input from my readers! How would you like this story to continue? I thought I had a good idea but now I'm torn between different paths. If anyone has something to add in about the story, please feel free to review on this chapter with your brilliant ideas :)

.prentiss


	12. A new beginning?

"You have no idea."

Hotch doesn't know what to say. She's finally let him in, and it's something he wasn't prepared for. He was prepared to hear another lie, a response of denial, or yelling. He puts his head in his hands. Where does he take it from here?

After contemplating these things in his mind, he wraps one comforting arm around his subordinate's shoulder and she flinches at the contact. She immediately gets up and wraps her arms around her chest. A single tear escapes from her eyes. It's the first tear Hotch as ever seen her shed. How did I let it get this bad? he asks himself.

"I'm really sorry, Hotch. It's just... it's been a while since anyone... touched me. I'm acting stupid, sorry," she says as she looks down at the ground in shame.

His heart breaks at that moment. She's been going through this alone, and she's isolated herself from everyone. Even her own team and family. Tears almost reach his eyes, but before they can, Emily speaks again.

"Um, maybe we should get back to the hotel. Or you could go to breakfast. There's still time before we need to meet at the station," she says with a slight quiver in her voice. She's trying to be strong for him, but he can see right through it.

She can't just shrug this off as if it was nothing, he thinks. This issue can't be ignored. But she's right. We have to be at the station within the next hour and a half.

I look into her eyes and see fear, pain, and anguish. This isn't the time and place for this. She needs to know that I'm here for her. There are lives at stake... but isn't Emily's life at stake as well? Her life is in peril every minute she's not eating. The team will catch this guy without a doubt. And Emily needs me, just like I needed her. She was there for me when my monster came for me, and even though we're fighting two different battles, I have to be there for her.

"Emily, I'll call the others and tell them that we're needed back at Quantico. We're close to nailing this guy, and with your input from yesterday, I'm sure the team will get him by the end of the day. We'll talk on the jet, okay?" he says.

He examines her waiting for her to argue with him, but nothing comes. With a weak nod, she whispers "alright," and with that, they walk down the street together.


	13. Table for two

All Emily wanted to do was run into a dark room, lock herself in and stay there forever. She can't deal with anything at the moment. Each step towards the hotel is one step closer to confession time, but she doesn't think she's ready to confess to herself or Hotch of what's going on. That is enough to scare the hell out of her.

What will they tell the team? Surely they'll be wondering why Hotch and her were the only one's mysteriously needed back at Quantico. When Hotch or Emily can't come up with the answers they're looking for, the team will start snooping, and soon, everyone will know. They'll know what she's been hiding for so long, trying her hardest to keep from them.

They'll know Emily Prentiss' weakness. The unbreakable Emily Prentiss' weak spot. That can't happen. She won't let it.

While walking, she suddenly finds it hard to breathe, and tears start streaming down her face. She can't help it, though. And Hotch can see it. She faces away from him while they walk, pretending to be distracted by something else to her left. But Hotch lightly pulls her from the arm to face him and stops.

"Emily, it's okay. Please, please let me in. The people that care for you want to help you," he says sincerely. He's begging for her to hear him out and listen to what he's saying. He really means it.

Emily just stares blankly at him. How can they care for me, she thinks, when I'm the disgusting, fat, terrible person I am? She truly wants to believe him, but can't bring herself to. Not to anger him, though, she says "I know... but can we please talk about this on the jet... in private?" she asks pleadingly.

"Yes, I supposed we can," Hotch replies.

They continue walking and they've soon reached the hotel. The pair reach their shared hotel rooms and silently gather their things. Emily calms herself down and wipes the tears away. Once everything is in order, they tell each of the team that they are needed at Quantico.

No one on the team seems to object, but they do ask if everything is alright. Emily reassures them with a plastered smile that everything is just fine. The team seems convinced and trust the judgement of Hotch and Emily, so they brush it off. They leave, heading to the station, while Hotch and Emily leave in a seperate car, to the jet.

Until now, it never dawned on Emily that their plane ride was 3 hours. And a long three hours they will be.

* * *

The car ride to board the jet starts out as a quiet one, and for that Prentiss is thankful. She knows there will be time for talking on the plane, but she doesn't want to think about that. Right now, she's just plain old hungry. She thinks about delicious food as they pass by restaurants and stores. Then she hears Hotch's voice. "What's on your mind right now, Emily?"

She quickly contemplates her answer, and replies "I'm just a little tired at the moment."

Hotch finds his stomach growling, and he hesitates to ask Prentiss if she wants to eat. He's just surprised that she agreed to come with him quietly. He doesn't want to ruin the small bond they have, but Hotch is starving, and who knows it's been a long time since Emily has eaten. He decides, and speaks.

"Would you like to stop for a bite to eat?"

Ten seconds later, no reply. "Prentiss, -

"- I heard the question, Hotch," Emily says. She doesn't want the food, but she needs it. Prentiss needs to stay alert on the jet, and right now, she feels terrible. But she can't sound desperate. He'd think of me as such a pig if **I** insisted on eating, she tells herself. But she can't fight the urges anymore.

Against her own will, she whispers "yes."

Hotch is relieved at that. He wasn't sure he could go much longer without eating. But then how does she do it, he asks internally. How do I not last 4 hours with no food, yet Prentiss fasts for days willingly? Why would she put herself through so much pain? What does she have to prove? He figures that he'll want to ask these questions when the time is right. Hotch feels terribly for her, but can't comprehend why she's doing these things to herself.

He turns into the nearest plaza and parks in front of a restaurant called "The Breakfast Club". They both get out of the car and enter together. When the hostess greets them, Hotch says "table for two".

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**Well thats that, folks! **

**Hope you liked this chapter. The next few will be a bit more intense on the subject of eating disorders!**


	14. Mysterious Case of the Vanishing Soup

A little part of Hotch wishes that table for two with Emily would be under different circumstances, but he dismisses the thought.

They take their seats in a small corner booth, and are handed menus. Hotch doesn't hesitate to open his, but notices that Emily is having trouble with hers. She looks as if she's fighting against herself on whether she'll open the menu or not. Finally, she completely opens the menu, and she begins salivating. Catching herself before Hotch can notice, she wipes a sleeve over her mouth.

It doesn't take Hotch a long time to decide on a Southside omelette with hashbrowns on the side.

But the woman sitting across from him finds this simple task very difficult. Finally with a sigh, she puts her menu down. The waitress comes by and takes Hotch's order, and then Prentiss'. When the Unit Chief hears what Emily is ordering, though, a frown reaches his lips. Emily decides on the soup of the day, chicken noodle. But not from the adult menu, from the kids menu - half of the portion size a normal adult would have. Even though this meal alone would not even feed a 5 year old, he keeps trying to remind himself of how hard this probably is for her.

Being here, having the courage to face her fears, and coming quietly astonished Agent Hotchner. But he knew that there wasn't going to be an easy way out of this situation. They would both need to pour their hearts and souls into Emily's recovery. The first step, though, is her admitting she has a problem. Pulled out of his thoughts, Hotch notices Emily fiddling with her fingers not making eye contact.

In an attempt to avoid making the situation as a whole more awkward, Hotch starts conversation.

"So, Emily, you like chicken noodle soup?" he asks.

She looks up from her trance, smiles, and replies "yeah. I've had a lot of chicken noodle soup the past few months, so I've gotten used to it."

Hotch doesn't know how to take what she just said, but brushing it off, he asks "Emily, once we're done here, and we're on the jet, I need complete honesty, okay?"

Emily quietly returns with "of course." But she couldn't look him in the eye when he said it. Before Hotch protests that he knows she was lying, their food arrives.

Emily is utterly thankful when the waitress comes with their food, because she knows Hotch wouldn't had stopped pestering her. But the second of happiness ends when food is put in front of her.

Hotch sees that the look of relief on her face is washed out by a terrified look. He feels terrible doing this to her, but he can't waver from his word. He WILL get her out of this rut, even if it kills him in the process.

Agent Hotchner waits for Agent Prentiss to drink her first bit of soup. He then starts eating his food as well.

They eat in silence.

When he was halfway done his meal, he looked up across the table to see Emily saying something in a whisper with each sip of soup. He's confused at this. What he doesn't know is that Emily is counting how many calories she consumes with each bite. But he sees her eating and right now that's what mattered to him. And so he finished his meal.

According to Aaron's watch, they've been eating for around 30 minutes. He's been done around 5 or 10 minutes, but Emily is still halfway done. He figures he should probably go to the washroom before they leave, so he politely gets up, tells Prentiss, and leaves.

When he returns 5 minutes later, he sees that Emily's plate is empty. He is impressed at first, but then becomes wary of it. Half a bowl took her 30 minutes, and in 5 she's managed to finish it? The numbers didn't add up. Emily looks up at him and speaks for the first time in half an hour. She smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, and says "Thank you, Hotch. That was good. Excuse me while I go to the washroom for a sec. I left my share of pay plus a tip on the table. You can head out to the car, and I'll meet you there," she says.

"Alright, Prentiss. See you outside." And with that he walks away.

Emily is relieved and she hurries to the washroom. Hotch turned around and is right there following her, though. Just like last time. Keeping his distance. He hopes to God that he doesn't find the same thing as last time, though.

When Emily closes the door, he waits. He hears nothing that resembles gagging and he hears no crying. Relief washes over him. When Emily walks out the door, he sees her putting a pocket notebook and pen in her bag. She doesn't even notice him until she bumps into him. And with that she drops her notebook.

With polite intentions, Hotch picks up the notebook, and as he is handing it back to her, he briefly gets a preview of the first page. "Food Diary" is what it reads. She grabs it viscously from him and slams it in her bag. She says "let's go" in a harsh tone, and walks on her own to the car.

He follows closely and when he reaches the car, she is already in it, arms crossed with a glare directed at him. He sighs and gets in. He almost puts the key into the ignition, but backs off at the last moment. Hotch doesn't know what to do, so maybe, he decides, she'll respond to a threat. He says "Em, I need honesty on that jet, or you WILL lose your job. No discussions."

He sees Emily is bug-eyed staring at him in disbelief.

Emily can't even muster up a reply. She's too angry._ If he wants a show, he'll get a show. And I'll play the role perfectly. We'll see who's laughing in the end, _she thinks to herself.

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**Okay, another update coming soon! Dont worry, everyone! :) **


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